Have you ever had a conversation where you felt like you were the one who did something, even though you were just trying to talk about something that hurt you? You started out saying how you felt, and then somehow the conversation turned around. You were the wrong one. Your tone was bad; you brought it up at the time, and they even brought up things you did in the past. By the time it was over,  you were saying sorry for something that was not even your fault.

If this sounds like something that has happened to you, then you have probably dealt with someone who blame-shifts. Blame shifting is when someone does not take responsibility for what they did and instead makes you feel guilty or like you are the one who did something. This is a problem in relationships at work and even in families.

This article is going to explain what blame-shifting is, how it works, why people do it, and what you can do if someone is blame-shifting with you.

What Is Blame Shifting?

Blame-shifting is when someone does not take responsibility for what they did. Instead, they make you feel like you are the wrong one. This is not something that people do; sometimes it is a pattern. When it happens a lot in a relationship, it can make it hard to trust each other and can even make the person who is being blamed feel like they are not safe.

Blame-shifting is different from disagreeing with someone. When people disagree, they can both say what they think and feel. When someone blame-shifts, they do not take responsibility for what they did and instead try to make the other person feel guilty.

Why Do People Blame Shift?

It can be helpful to understand why someone might blame-shift. That does not make it okay.

1. Fear of accountability: Some people are scared to take responsibility for what they did. They think that if they say sorry, it will make them look bad. So they blame-shift.
2. Childhood conditioning: Some people learned to blame-shift when they were kids. If they made a mistake, they got in trouble. So they learned never to say sorry and always to blame someone else
3. Narcissistic tendencies: Some people have an ego and cannot stand to be wrong. They have to be right all the time, so they blame-shift.
4. Emotional immaturity: Some people just do not know how to deal with conflict or criticism. They blame-shift because they do not know what to do.
5. Control and manipulation: Sometimes people blame-shift on purpose to control the person. They want to make the other person feel bad so they can be in charge.

How To Recognize Blame Shifting

Blame-shifting can be hard to recognise because it can be very subtle. Here are some examples of what blame shifting might look like:

Example 1. The Reversal. You say, “I felt hurt when you did not show up to my event.” They say, “If you were not so clingy, I would not have felt like I had to stay.” See how the conversation changed from what they did to what you did? That is blame shifting.

Example 2. The History Dig. You say, “You forgot to pay the bill.” They say, “Should we talk about what you did last month?” This is blame shifting because it takes the focus off of what they did and puts it on what you did.

Example 3. The Minimiser. You say, “I felt humiliated when you yelled at me.” They say, “You are too sensitive; it was a joke.” This is blame shifting because it makes you feel like your feelings are not valid.

Example 4. The Guilt Trip. You say, “I feel like we have been disconnected lately.” They say, ‘Do you know how hard I work for this family? This is how you treat me?” This is blame shifting because it makes you feel guilty for bringing up your concerns.

The Emotional Toll Of Living With A Blame Shifter

If you have been in a relationship with someone who blame-shifts a lot, it can be very bad for you. You might start to feel like you’re always the wrong one and that you cannot trust your own feelings or thoughts. You might feel like you are walking on eggshells and that you cannot say what you think or feel. You might even feel like you are all alone because the blame shifter is making you feel like you cannot talk to anyone.

Blame-shifting can also make you feel very tired because you are always trying to deal with the person’s behaviour. It can make you feel isolated because the blame shifter is making you feel like you cannot trust anyone else.

Sometimes people who have been in relationships with blame shifters can even develop symptoms of abuse, like anxiety or depression.

Blame Shifting Vs Gaslighting

Blame shifting and gaslighting are two things that can be related. Gaslighting is when someone tries to make you think that you are crazy or that you do not know what is real. Blame-shifting is when someone tries to make you feel like you are the wrong one. Sometimes people will use both blame-shifting and gaslighting to control the person.

What You Can Do

If you recognise that someone is blame-shifting with you, here are some things you can do:

1. Stay focused on the issue at hand. Do not let the other person change the subject.
2. Say what you see, not what you think. Instead of saying “You are blame-shifting”, say “I notice that when I bring up a concern, the conversation always turns to what I did.”
3. Remind yourself that your feelings are valid. Before you talk to the person, remind yourself that you have the right to express your feelings and concerns.
4. Set boundaries. If the other person is not going to listen to you or if they are going to blame shift, then you need to set boundaries. You can say, “I am not going to talk about this if you are not going to listen to me.”
5. Get outside help. If you are dealing with a blame shifter, it can be very helpful to talk to a therapist or a trusted friend. They can help you see what is going on. They can support you as you try to deal with the blame shifter.

When To Walk Away

Not every relationship with a blame shifter has to end. Sometimes it is the best thing to do. If the blame shifting is very bad or if it is accompanied by forms of abuse, then it might be time to walk away. If you have tried to talk to the person about the blame shifting and they are not going to change, then it might be time to walk away. If the blame shifting is hurting your health, then it might be time to walk away.

Remember, you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. You deserve to be in a relationship where you can express your feelings and concerns without being blamed or shamed.

Final Thoughts

Blame shifting is a problem, but it does not have to control your life. If you can recognise it. If you can stand up for yourself, then you can overcome it. Remember that you are not alone and that there are people who can help you. You are allowed to express your feelings and concerns. You are allowed to walk away from relationships that are not good for you.